empty room [skylar]

Marisol stood outside the door to her dorm room, frozen with the key in the handle. It would be her first time back in their--no, it wasn't their's anymore, it was just her's--room since Jeanine died. Her, Sky and Carter had been granted a month off in order to grieve before coming back to school. Marisol thought that was stupid. A month didn't make any difference. It still felt like it had happened yesterday.

She finally forced herself to open the door and step inside, and what she saw hit her like a punch to the gut. The half of the room that had been covered in pictures and posters and girly things the last time Marisol had been in it was now empty. Bare walls, bare bed, empty desk. Marisol didn't know why this should have surprised her, of course Jeanine's parents would have come to clear out her things.

At least they did it while I wasn't here, she thought, before immediately feeling bad for thinking it. She was absolutely terrified of facing Jeanine's parents. Even at the funeral, she avoided them like the plague. She knew they blamed her. Why wouldn't they? It had been her fault, she knew it. Everyone knew it.

She went over to her side of the room and threw herself backwards onto the bed, and just stared at the ceiling. What now...?

Skylar and Marisol had both returned to school today after a month's absence. Carter, Skye's roommate, was planning on returning tomorrow before classes started for the week, but the twins' parents lived too far away for a morning commute to be possible.

The two had split up and gone into their separate bedrooms to drop off their belongings, but Skye didn't want to leave her sister alone for too long, so she hurried and plopped her bag off on the bed and slipped into pajamas.

Jeanine's death had been hard on each of the girls, but Skye knew it was especially hard on Mar. Jeanine had been her roommate for seven years, which meant that she now faced an empty dorm room while at school. And, though Skye didn't agree, she also knew that Mar believed that the accident had been her fault.

After pulling on her lavender bathrobe, Skye slipped out of her door and across the hall to her sister's. She knocked lightly before opening it. "Hey, Mar?" she called quietly.

She could imagine Mar's discomfort at staying in the room she used to share with their late best friend-- Skylar felt awful even entering. Like she had to be quiet. Like something fragile was in the room, even though in actuality, everything from Jeanine's side had been taken already. The sight of the stripped walls and furniture made Skye's stomach do a sickening flop.

Marisol closed her eyes and sighed when she heard the door open and Skye's soft voice float through. I knew I should've locked that, she thought to herself. It wasn't that she didn't want to see her sister. It was more like...she didn't want to face her. Or Carter, or anyone. She didn't want to talk about what happened with them, nor did she want to awkwardly dance around the subject. She didn't want every single clio she saw to make her feel guilty, even if they didn't try to. She just wanted to be alone, just her and Bar.

"Do you need something?" she asked flatly, not moving from her spot, splayed out on the bed. Bar was curled up on the floor, torn between greeting Skye and Pen, or ignoring them like Marisol wanted him to. He knew how she felt (after all, he felt what she felt,), but he didn't think they were going to feel better with Marisol isolating herself from everyone. But if that was what she wanted...

"I... uh, I just wanted to see if you were okay," Skye said softly. She couldn't stop staring at the empty side of the room. It seemed so cruel of the world. A blaring reminder of what they had lost.

Mar's monotone told Skye that she wanted to be alone. The problem was, Skye didn't. She wasn't sure she could face sleeping alone tonight, even if she knew that her own roommate would be joining them at the Academy tomorrow.

She finally looked at her sister--staring at Jeanine's bare bed was chipping the few remaining pieces of Skye's heart away. Marisol was laying out on her bed, looking at the ceiling. She'd been avoiding Skye lately, something that Skye had definitely picked up on.

The problem was, Skye didn't know how to fix it.

The twins had been inseparable from day one, and usually it was as easy as breathing to know how her sister was feeling. Though they were opposites, Skylar and Marisol had been on the same mental wavelength their entire lives. But something had changed. No matter what she had tried, Mar still pushed her away.

Marisol turned over so that she was facing the wall, away from Skye. She entertained the thought of giving the same, monotonous "I'm fine" that she gave everyone else who asked that asinine question, but she just couldn't muster the energy to lie. "No, of course I'm not okay," she snapped. "Why would I be okay?"

She didn't mean for her tone to come out as nasty as it did. She wasn't mad at her sister, not even a little bit. She loved Skye more than anything, but she just couldn't be in a good state of mind around her. She knew Skye was grieving too, but that was the whole problem--if it weren't for Marisol, she wouldn't have to grieve. Jeanine would still be here and everyone would be happy.

And now Marisol was probably just making Skye feel even worse be being a jerk for no reason. This is why she just needed to be left alone.

What's wrong with me? Why am I such a screw-up? she thought, drawing her knees to her chest and curling up into a ball.

Mar knew that Skylar only wanted to see how she was handling coming back to school and facing an empty room. Obviously Skye didn't think that Marisol would be completely okay-- to be honest, she wasn't sure if she, her sister, or Carter would ever be completely okay ever again.

And because she knew that her sister knew, her words stung. I'm hurting too! she wanted to cry. It wasn't fair. She didn't think she could lose her sister after going through the pain of losing Jeanine, but that was exactly what was happening. Skylar wanted to grieve with her sister. She couldn't do this alone. But all Mar seemed interested in was distancing herself.

There were a million things Skylar wanted to say, but instead of focusing on her hurt, she focused on Marisol's. In the end, her sister meant more.

"None of this is your fault," she told her quietly. She knew it wasn't enough, but she needed to say it.

And there it was. The big lie that everyone was going to be telling her even though they all knew it was bullshit. Marisol's brow furrowed. "It's all my fault. You guys didn't even want to go swimming. I talked everyone into it," she said immediately. She had always been talking her friends into things, trying to get them involved in her little stunts.

"Come on guys, skipping one little class to go get icecream won't hurt."

"I heard some clio are going to be jumping Tamar Falls today. We should check it out!"

"It'll be fun guys, I've swam there before. The ocean is sooo pretty at night."

Why? Why did she have to drag them along? How was this NOT her fault?

Skye's heart clenched. So that was the problem.

"We do stupid stuff all the time," she insisted. "That's just what we do." The four did a lot of things that weren't the smartest, and often. And yeah, while it was usually Mar's idea, the other three almost always wanted to do it too. They were all risk takers that longed for adventure--it was why they got along so well. Even Carter, who usually needed a bit more convincing, loved the adrenaline rushes that Marisol brought them.

"Nothing that happened was your fault-- no one could have known that current was there," Skylar told her sister.

"The school knew it was dangerous!" Marisol exclaimed, pushing herself up on her hands and turning to face Skye. "That's why it was against the rules! I knew that and I still made you guys come with me. All the stupid stuff we did all the time were my ideas."

Why couldn't Skye just admit the truth? Everyone knew it was her fault. Carter, the school, Jeanine's parents, everyone. Marisol didn't need anyone lying to make her feel better.

Skye was taken aback by her sister's sudden outburst.

"Everyone makes mistakes, Mar," she said, her voice wavering. "We all knew better than to go. You didn't force us, you didn't drag us there. If it's your fault, it's just as much mine and Carter's for agreeing." She paused. "And if that's true, then it's Jeanine's fault, too."

Skylar wondered what Jeanine would be saying, if she were here. Even though it had been a month, sometimes it was hard to really believe that she was gone forever. It seemed like, at any moment, Jeanine could walk through the door. Skye was sure that J wouldn't have wanted any of the other girls to take the blame for what had happened. They were a team, and always had been.

"If anyone is to blame here, then we all are."

"No," Marisol said, blinking rapidly to keep tears from pouring out of her eyes. "Don't try to take the blame or put it on anyone else. It was my idea. It was my fault. Nothing you say can change that."

She knew, logically, that Skye was trying to make her feel better. But emotionally, she was just making things worse. Any time Marisol even tried to think that maybe it wasn't her fault, then she just ended up feeling even guiltier for trying to avoid the blame in the first place. She deserved to feel bad about it.

"Well you're wrong," Skylar said, tears brimming her eyes as well. It wasn't easy watching her sister fall apart, and it was even worse knowing there was nothing she could say to make it better.

She wanted to remind Marisol that she had lost Jeanine too, that it wasn't fair that they couldn't lean on each other to get over this because Mar was too busy being self loathing, but she also didn't want to give her sister something else to feel bad about.

"It's not your fault. And you can fight it all day long, but in the end no matter how much you hate yourself, or how much you push me away, nothing is going to bring Jeanine back."

Marisol felt anger start to bubble up inside her. "Okay Skye, please tell me exactly when I said I was trying to bring her back," she said in a low, shaky voice. What the hell did Skye think? That she was intentionally beating herself up because she thought it would somehow--she didn't even know--keep Jeanine's memory alive? Change the past?

Maybe she means that because you can't change the past, you shouldn't be so hard on yourself? Bar offered tentatively.

Oh, what, because a grand total of thirty days have passed, I'm supposed to feel no remorse now like some kind of freaking psychopath? Marisol snapped at Barbaro. Yeah, great idea, can't change it now so I might as well get rid of these pesky bad feelings. Gee, why didn't I think of that sooner!

Bar sort of sighed but otherwise didn't say anything in response. Marisol wanted more than ever just to be left alone at this point.

"You know what, forget it," Skylar snapped back. "I'm glad you're letting the loss of our best friend create a rift between us."

The twins had barely talked the entire month they'd been home, and though Skye had wanted to give Marisol time, it had killed her every day. Now it seemed like time wasn't the issue here, it was something else.

"You just sit there on the bed and think about how it was all your fault that she died, and don't even acknowledge the fact that your two other best friends, you know, the ones that are actually still here, might feel guilty and broken too. At least I've tried to be there for you, that's more than you can say."

At the end every word she spoke felt like a splinter in her heart, but she couldn't stop.

"I'm over feeling bad for you when you don't even care about how this has all affected me."

Pen hated what was happening, but knew better than to say anything. Instead, he stayed curled as a field mouse in Skylar's robe pocket, hoping that she would leave.

"Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Marisol exclaimed. She was upset and frustrated and she knew she was taking it out on Skye unfairly, and that Skye was right about her avoiding her friends. But at the same time she just couldn't, couldn't, couldn't be around them right now. Even if Skye and Carter really didn't think it was Marisol's fault, she still knew it was, and being around them just tore her up. And she did care how everything had affected Skye, but she didn't know how she was supposed to make Skye feel any better when she was the one responsible for it in the first place. They were just better off without her right now.

"I just," she took a deep breath, "I just need to be alone...for a while."

Skylar could tell that Marisol was sorry, but it also didn't stop her from feeling hurt.

"You want to be alone? Fine," she told her sister.

When Skylar left she didn't bother saying goodnight, or that she loved Marisol. Instead, Skye turned around abruptly and walked out, the door slamming behind her.

She could have her alone time. Skylar wasn't going to try again-- if Mar wanted to talk, she could come to her.

She returned to her own room and locked the door behind her before turning off the light and stumbling to her bed. There, she fell asleep crying, feeling like she was losing everything.