wtf am i doing [paisley]

Petra walked into the suite that Paisley let her crash in now and then and stopped to look around. It was furnished, but the walls were stark and bare. Sort of like a hotel, but one much nicer than Petra had ever seen. It was clear that no one stayed here whenever she left to do whatever, and it wasn't like she had any worldly possessions to fill it with.

What the fuck am I even doing? she wondered. She felt like she should have been glad to be free of the crime ring, but she just felt lost and empty without it. She didn't know what to do anymore. Henrik had gone off to see the world and atone for his crimes or whatever. Nils was content to hide away on Nadar and pretend the whole thing had never happened. Petra was caught somewhere in between. Every so often she'd just get up and leave with no destination in mind, not wanting to spend another second stuck on Nadar. But then she'd always just end up coming back, at a loss of anywhere else to go.

And Paisley...Paisley welcomed her back with open arms every time she did. It actually kind of made Petra angry. Why are you so nice to me? I tried to kill your boyfriends. You shouldn't feel sorry for me. While she wasn't gonna say no to a free bed and meals, she couldn't stand the pity that came along with them.

She sat down on the couch and lit up a cigarette. Okay, what now? she asked herself.

Paisley had been having breakfast out in the gardens when a staff member from the estate walked out and let her know Petra Lovison was back. It had been a few weeks since she'd last stayed here, and for about half that time Paisley had been itching with news to tell her.

After the organization was disbanded, Nadar held the responsibility for searching for the homes for all the young orphans that had been kidnapped. Paisley had been housing them in a new building she'd had built just for the occasion. It was a kind of child wonderland, full of things children loved most. It was a building as unique as they come-- a sort of giant tree house, jungle fort. She thought it was the least she could do for them while they searched for any remaining family the children might have.

When they started the search for the families, many started coming forth. Even families that had lost children up to twenty years ago started coming forward, hoping that possibly Nadar had the answers. Most of these families were met with sadness-- if the organization had been the culprit in their family tragedies, their children were long gone. But for one family, there was hope.

As quickly as she could, Paisley made her way to Petra's living quarters and knocked on the door. "Petra?"

Petra rolled her eyes when she heard the knock and call of her name. She'd been here for two fucking minutes, what could Paisley possibly want? She took a long drag of her cigarette and called back, "It's unlocked." She wondered if the overloridian had brought Nils with her. Probably not. He seemed to avoid Petra at all costs, either out of shame or fear, she didn't know nor particularly care which. Not Paisley, though. Paisley came by and talked to her like they were old acquaintances, friends even. Why?

Paisley opened the door and stuck her head in. Ew. Smoke. She wasn't thrilled, but she also knew Petra had some things to get over, so she left it alone. "Hi!"

She walked in and sat on a couch opposite Petra. "Welcome back," she said with a smile. "I was hoping you'd show up soon! Did you enjoy your trip?" Paisley wasn't sure what Petra did in her time away from Nadar, but she hoped it was at least better than what Petra usually did while she was here (which was usually just chilling in her rooms).

Petra raised her eyebrows. Did I enjoy my trip? As if she'd been off on some fun vacation. "Yeah, sure," she said dryly. "What about you? You enjoy whatever the hell it is you do?" She knew Paisley was the overloridian, but she had no idea what that actually entailed. Knowing perfect little Paisley, probably feeding the homeless and reading to orphans or some shit.

Paisley paused for a moment. Petra always talked to her this way, but it always made Paisley rethink her words. Petra just wasn't a clio that was easy to talk to. And that was okay, expected even, after what she'd gone through, but it did make speaking to her difficult.

"I, uh, I actually had something to share with you," she said. Petra didn't respond, so Paisley kept going. "You know how I've had my task force looking for the families of all those involved in the organization? Well, the other day I had an interesting conversation with someone named Selene Lovison." She paused again, just for a moment, before continuing. "Petra, I think we found your family."

Petra froze, cigarette two inches from her lips, before turning sharply to face Paisley. She opened her mouth to say something, maybe even to yell, but nothing came out.

Selene. My mother. My family. Petra didn't have a family. Maybe she had once, but that was a different lifetime. A different her. A Petra who hadn't sold herself and stolen and killed for money. Her family would be wanting that Petra back, not the one she was now. They'd probably be happier thinking she was dead or something.

She turned her head back away. "Yeah?" she said, her voice sounding hoarse. She tried to pretend it was just from the smoke. "What did you tell them?"

Paisley watched carefully as Petra went through a million emotions before turning away. "I told them I would see what I could do," she said. "I didn't know where you were at the time, or when you'd be back. I didn't want to give them false hope and then you not return... when you leave I have no way of contacting you." Petra never left a note or told anywhere where she was going or how long she'd be gone.

"Your parents... they never lost hope." Not many families with children gone so long had contacted Paisley, and she was touched by how much emotion Selene had when they'd spoken. It was as if Petra had only been taken yesterday.

They never lost hope, huh? Well, Paisley was right about one thing for once. It was a pretty cruel thing to give someone false hope. "Maybe you should just tell them I'm dead then," she said, sounding less firm than she'd meant to. "Give them some closure or whatever."

It would probably be better that way, she thought. Her parents could maybe get some peace, stop their search, and get to remember their little girl the way she'd been at eight years old, all sweet and innocent.

Paisley's brow furrowed. "But you're here--you're back," she protested. "I only meant I didn't want to tell them I knew where you were and then not be able to back it up. You're alive, Petra. Doesn't your family deserve to know that?"

Paisley couldn't begin to understand what Petra was going through, she knew that, but she also found it hard to stomach that Petra was requesting she tell that mother that had come to her with so much hope that her daughter was dead... especially when she was sitting here, very much alive, in front of Paisley. "They love you."

"They don't even know me," Petra protested right back. They'd loved her when she was a child, sure. What they loved now was the idea of her, the memory of who she'd been. It was probably a very nice memory, one that she'd be happy to let them keep. They couldn't have ever imagined who she'd turn out to be. "I've killed clio. I tried to kill your boyfriends, remember? Less than a year ago. Would you want me as your daughter? Wouldn't you rather not know, if you were them?"

"I've never had a child, so I can't pretend to know what they're going through, or what they'd want to know, but it sure looked to me like that woman who was here asking about you would take you back with open arms no matter what form you came back in."

Paisley stopped, then rerouted. "And I may not have a child of my own, but I do have two brothers that I would do anything for. And if they'd been taken--if they'd been forced to do what you were, I would not hesitate a second before insisting I wanted them back. No matter what they'd been through, or what they'd had to do while they were gone."

Petra couldn't accuse Paisley of lying, she knew. Paisley had accepted every single clio who'd been taken by the crime ring into Nadar, herself included, no matter what they'd done. Still though...to accept her back was one thing, to be happy about it was another.

Then again, what did she have to lose, anyways? Nothing, really. It was her family who was set to lose the precious image they had of their daughter. Why should she even care if they were disappointed or downright crushed? She'd barely spared them a thought in years and years before this.

"Fine," she conceded. "If you think they'll be so glad to meet me, fine. Bring them here. But don't blame me when it's not the happy reunion you think it's gonna be."

"I'm happy that you're open to this, but I wish more than anything I could get you to see that you aren't a monster. You are more than your circumstances, Petra. Don't judge yourself on them." Maybe Petra's family was the key. Maybe her parents and younger sister, who Paisley hadn't met, but had heard of, were the ones who could teach Petra how to love herself again.

She stood and smiled sadly. "I'll contact them tomorrow and see if we can arrange a meeting. I don't want to overwhelm you, so let me know if you want some time to get used to the idea first." She paused. "They love you. I know you haven't felt that in a long time, but it's okay to let yourself be loved. You deserve it."

Petra wasn't sure if Paisley was being condescending as fuck on purpose or what. "Don't patronize me," she said with a glare. You don't get it, do you? You think I'm like Nils and Henrik, but I'm not. They all might have been forced into crimes by circumstance, but Petra didn't feel guilty about it the way the brothers did. She didn't feel the need to atone or whatever. Hell, some of the time she'd downright enjoyed killing. She'd especially enjoyed killing her former so-called bosses, but she wasn't sure even pure, perfect Paisley would consider that a crime.

She put her cigarette out on the coffee table. "They can show up tomorrow for all I fucking care. Won't make a difference."

It was as if Petra had slapped her. Paisley never had any idea what to say to Petra, and now she'd gone and made her even more angry than she usually was. Paisley couldn't even figure out what she'd done wrong. Petra did deserve love, what was so patronizing about that?

"I'm sorry you feel that way," she said, watching as Petra ruined her table. They'd been doing so good and now she was so angry! "I'm sorry I upset you, I didn't mean anything..." Paisley decided it was best if she just quit talking, so she let her words drift off. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow, then."

And then she left, wondering if she would ever learn how to talk to Petra without making her hate her even more.