i like sad things [paislo]

Nils woke up in the middle of the night in a panic. He had been dreaming of something that happened years ago, when he had been "working for" a particularly sadistic captor who'd made his life a living hell for years. That man had been cruel to everyone, but had seemed to take a special interest in Nils for reasons he never fully understood. The nightmare had been so fucking vivid, and now the memory was fresh in his mind as if it really had just happened moments go.

It isn't happening right now, he told himself, his heart pounding. He looked around the dark bedroom. It was just a dream. Not real.

It didn't help. He felt like he was still back there. Trapped. He needed to get out of here. The fact that it was well into the night didn't matter, or even really register in his mind right now. He stumbled out of bed, out through the little living area and out the door.

He leaned up against the side of the building and slid down till he was sitting on the ground, breathing in the fresh air, trying to remind himself that he wasn't back there anymore, that he was safe now. He could still hear his kidnapper's voice in his memory, clear as day, as if he were right there talking to him.

"Let me show you exactly what you're worth to everyone, Nicholas."

Nothing. I'm not worth anything.

Why was this coming back to him? Why now, when he was finally starting to let himself feel safe and happy in Nadar? He put his head in his hands and just broke down.

Paisley couldn't sleep. She'd tossed and turned in bed for a few hours before deciding it was useless to continue to lay there. Currently, she was sitting in the corner of her balcony, making some flowers from the ledge open and close.

As she was sitting there, she heard a door from the first floor open and close. She stood up and looked over the edge of the balcony. Someone was sitting up against the house, all small and bent in on themself.

Paisley couldn't tell who it was in the dark, but she noticed the daemon, who she was pretty sure was Tanith, curled up beside who could only be Nils. Nils? But why would he be out here in the middle of the night?

He looks sad, Chevron said. And the longer Paisley looked at Nils, the more she thought Chevron was right. In fact, she was pretty sure she heard something that sounded like crying coming from where Nils was sitting on the ground.

Paisley quietly climbed down the ivy covered siding, using the vines to help support her. "Nils?" she asked softly before she got too close, not wanting to startle him. Seeing him like this broke her heart. What had happened?

Nils looked up in surprise when he heard Paisley call his name, then immediately looked away when he actually saw her. He wiped his face with his sleeve, thinking how pitiful he must look to her right now, sitting out here crying and shivering because of a bad dream. Like a child.

Worthless.

"What are you doing out here?" he asked, trying unsuccessfully to steady his wavering voice. He was still so wound up, tense and a little bit shaky. Gods, he felt sick.

"I couldn't sleep," Paisley said truthfully, leaving out the part about hearing him leave the house and coming to investigate. She walked over to him slowly and slid down to the ground next to him before wrapping her arms around him in a comforting hug. She felt his body tremble slightly.

Something about Nils just broke her heart into a million pieces every time she looked at him. He was just so good, he didn't deserve the sadness he had been dealt. It made Paisley angry at the world that someone so nice could be so broken. It wasn't fair. "What happened?" she asked softly, keeping her arms around him.

Nils knew better by now that he shouldn't keep being surprised when Paisley did something affectionate, but his current mindset was stuck in that of his younger self, back several years ago when he was surrounded by clio who would have mocked and ridiculed him endlessly if they'd ever caught him like this.

"Are you fucking crying? How has a fragile fucking thing like you not done the world a favor and killed himself yet?"

"Just a dream," he mumbled, still embarrassed by the fact that such a little thing had reduced him to this trembling wreck of a clio. He was still desperate for comfort though, and leaned on Paisley as she hugged him without even realizing he was doing it. "About something that happened a long time ago."

When Nils leaned into her, Paisley held him tighter. "I'm sorry," she said quietly. She knew she had nothing to be sorry for, but she was sorry that Nils had ever gone through anything that needed to be turned into a nightmare. He'd lived a nightmare. Paisley wished she could take it all away.

"You're here," she told him. "Right here, and you're safe." She rubbed her thumb against his back as she held him. She wished there was more she could give him, but a safe place to call home for now was all she could do.

"I know," Nils said with a shaky sigh. Even when he knew he was safe, these memories and feelings always found their way to the forefront of his mind. It was this strange dissociation where he knew he was safely living on Nadar with Paisley and Henri, but he felt like he was back in the cities being tormented by his captors again. "It's just...whenever I think maybe I've finally put something behind me, it call comes rushing back."

"I'm sorry," he said to her as he finally started to slowly calm down. Paisley didn't need this put on her, not when she had so many other things to worry about. "For bothering you with this."

Paisley shook her head. "You're not bothering me," she told him sincerely. "I'm glad you're here. And there isn't anything wrong with being upset." She wished Nils felt more comfortable with her to talk about what tormented him. She'd heard talking about your problems helped you heal faster.

"I'm always here to talk. Whenever you need someone," she said softly. "I'm a great listener."

Nils stayed quiet for a long time. He'd never liked talking about this stuff, which is why he always just wrote it all down instead. But he felt comfortable with Paisley in a way that he'd never really felt with hardly anyone, except maybe Henri. But he didn't need to talk about it with Henri because they'd both lived it together.

"We were all treated badly," he said, swallowing the lump in his throat. "We", referring to him, Henri, Petra and the other clio they worked with. "But it just always seemed like...they always hated me especially, because I could never do anything right."

Even when he knew he would suffer for it, even when he knew Henri would suffer for it, he was always fucking things up and failing tasks. Always.

Paisley wasn't sure saying anything would make things better, or if it would make Nils feel worse. She sat in silence, wishing she could do something to make any of this better.

"You didn't deserve any of that," she finally said. "And you're wrong, Nils. You do a lot right. I don't know many clio who would put themselves in that much danger to go back and get someone--even if it was their brother."

That was the first moment that Paisley had really saw Nils. When he didn't hesitate a moment before saying they needed to go rescue Henri. "They were wrong. You're stronger than any of them wanted you to be. Because you're still you." His bravery and compassion made Paisley wish she were a better clio.

Nils wanted to believe she was telling the truth. He did. But he couldn't, because even though rescuing Henri had turned out all right in the end, he had still managed to mess even that up. He let Petra take him hostage, and in the end it was really Henri and Paisley who took her down. It wasn't enough that he had tried. It never had been enough.

"Henri and Petra were always covering for me, for my mistakes," he went on, instead of responding to Paisley's kind words. It was like now that he had started he couldn't stop, he just had to get this out. It had been festering inside of him for years. "I don't even know how many times they took a beating for something I did."

His voice broke a little. He was especially upset now, with what was going on with Petra, to think of the times she had stood up for him in the past. Why was he so useless?

Paisley pulled away from Nils to look him in the eyes. "None of that was your fault. None of it." Her voice pitched a little when his broke. It was so hard to watch someone you had come to care so deeply about in this much pain.

"You were not the one that hurt them. Those awful clio did. That was not your fault. It was never your fault." She realized she was repeating herself, but she just couldn't stop. "You were a little kid, and they did horrible things to you."

"But...it was because of me," Nils insisted weakly. Even though at the time Henri and Petra had told Nils the exact same thing Paisley was telling him now, it had been drilled into his head over and over by everyone else that it was his fault. He was a failure and everyone had to suffer for his mistakes. Even the other kids they worked with turned against him, eventually. "Everyone else did what they had to. I was the only one who couldn't."

"Do you think not being able to do what they asked means you are weak?" Paisley asked softly. That was the farthest thing from the truth. "You are one of the strongest clio I know, Nils. I wish I could be more like you."

Paisley couldn't imagine living the life that he had, but if she would have, she probably would have broken. She would have broken for much less. Nils saw his inability to murder and whatever else as a flaw. Paisley saw it as a defining trait. A strength it was impossible for Nils to see, himself.

And it was terribly, terribly wrong of her, but suddenly Paisley realized something. Somehow, during all her time with Nils, she had fallen for him. It hit her like a weight, how much she cared about the man who thought so little of himself. She saw so much in him she was afraid he would never see.

Nils looked back at Paisley, both confused and a little touched. Did she really mean that? How could she want to be like him? He didn't even want to be like him. He had no idea what she saw in him that was worth emulating. She was always saying he was stronger and braver than he realized, but he just couldn't see how that could be true.

He didn't want her to want to be like him. In his mind she was perfect as she was. Kind and talented and beautiful. As he looked at her and thought these things, he started leaning in, almost unaware of what he was doing. The next thing he knew he was kissing her.

What am I doing? He pulled back, shocked at himself. "I..." He trailed off. He couldn't believe he'd just kissed her. Would she be angry? "Was that...okay..?"

Paisley watched Nils' confused expression and wished more than anything she could know what he was thinking. And vice versa. She would give anything for him to see himself how she saw him. She decided, looking into his big brown eyes, that she wouldn't stop trying until he could.

She was going to continue, to try to help him understand, when she realized that Nils was slowly moving towards her. Before her mind could register what was happening, her heart started fluttering. And then Nils pressed his lips to hers, in the sweetest most unexpected kiss Paisley had ever received.

Nils wrote:"I..." He trailed off. He couldn't believe he'd just kissed her. Would she be angry? "Was that...okay..?"

It had been a simple kiss, but Paisley realized she was breathless. "Nils..." she said softly, not knowing how to respond. It had been better than okay. It had been perfect. Instead of trying to turn her thoughts into words, she leaned back in and kissed him back softly.

Nils couldn't believe what was happening. Paisley was actually kissing him back. The most perfect clio he had ever known in his life actually felt something for him. He didn't understand why or how someone like Paisley ever could feel anything for someone like him, yet here they were. He put his arms around her, kissing her back more fervently.

It was one of those kisses that completely knocks the wind out of you, leaving you gasping for breath because everything is perfect and nothing else in the world matters. Paisley had never had a kiss like it before in her life.

When Nils wrapped his arms around her he left little trails of fire against her skin. It was like magic, kissing him. She was so in awe, so shocked and happy and thankful.

She pulled away only to breathe, to give her heart a moment to calm down. It was beating in a haphazard rhythm, pounding it's way against her chest.

She looked at Nils and sighed out a small, terrified smile that was designed just for him. Who could have known that the man she'd rescued on the beach would have come to mean so much to her in so short a time? "I think I love you," she said breathlessly, her voice quiet and concerned. He'd kissed her, but Paisley found it hard to think that he might feel as strongly for her as she already did for him. Their situations were so different. But she couldn't not tell him. She meant it. She loved him, for all that he was but couldn't see.

Nils, out of breath, looked at Paisley when she pulled away. He returned her nervous smile and even laughed a little bit. He had started out this night at his lowest point in weeks, and now this was happening. What was maybe the first complete, purely good thing that had happened to him in years. He still couldn't even believe it was happening.

"I think I love you too," he told her. He thought he had probably loved her from the moment she had resolved to help him save Henri on the beach. How could he not? After everything she had done for him, how could he not fall for her? He never would have thought in a million years that she would feel something in return for him, though.

Nils' "I think I love you too," was music to Paisley's ears, but nothing compared to his laughter. He was happy. Paisley's heart felt like it was going to burst with joy. She knew the nightmares would return, if not tonight, then soon, but the fact that she had made Nils smile even for just a minute made her feel happier than she had felt in a long time.

"Come with me," she told him, slipping her hand into his and standing. She led him to the garden, deeper than she had taken him before. "I come here when I want to be alone," she explained, as they rounded a corner. A grassy knoll sat in the middle of this section. She walked up it, still holding his hand, till they got to the top.

She sat down and laid back, stretching her arms and legs out in a straight line. "Come here," she told him. She wanted him to see the stars from here. Nadar didn't use any sort of electricity, so there was little light pollution on the island. But the jungle usually prevented clio from seeing the stars. But this little knoll in her garden had the perfect view. Wide, open, and beautiful. Millions of pin-pricked lights shone down from above them, twinkling in the night sky.

Nils wordlessly followed Paisley through the garden. They were going a route she had never taken him before, deep into the landscape. She lead him to a grassy knoll and had him lay down next to her, staring up at the night sky. They had a beautiful view of the stars, one that Nils had never seen before. Or at least not that he had ever taken the time to appreciate.

For the past four years, he and Henri had just been putting everything they had into surviving. They never had the time or energy to enjoy simple things like the night sky. It was calming. Relaxing. He could see why Paisley liked to come here alone. Of course he was glad she'd wanted to come here with him, too.

He turned his head and looked over at her. "Paisley," he said quietly. "I want to stay here. In Nadar."

Paisley looked away from the stars and over at Nils when he spoke. "Really?" she asked him, a smile growing on her face. He wanted to stay! She could sing. "You have no idea how happy that would make me."

Every day Paisley had been afraid that someone would tell her that Henri and Nils had disappeared, run away into the night. She'd told herself they had no reason to, but the way Henri talked to her told her he didn't want to stay put too long, even if he wouldn't come right out and say it to her. Maybe if Nils wanted to stay, though, Henri would too.

She scooted herself over a bit so that her body was laying right up against Nils'. "I never want you to leave."

Paisley looked away from the stars and over at Nils when he spoke. "Really?" she asked him, a smile growing on her face. He wanted to stay! She could sing. "You have no idea how happy that would make me."

Every day Paisley had been afraid that someone would tell her that Henri and Nils had disappeared, run away into the night. She'd told herself they had no reason to, but the way Henri talked to her told her he didn't want to stay put too long, even if he wouldn't come right out and say it to her. Maybe if Nils wanted to stay, though, Henri would too.

She scooted herself over a bit so that her body was laying right up against Nils'. "I never want you to leave."

Nils put his arms around Paisley as she scooted up next to him and held her closely. He'd never really had a home before. Well, he had before he was kidnapped, but that felt like a different life. Someone else's life. But here on Nadar, with Paisley, he felt at home. He was so afraid Henri wouldn't agree. He was even more afraid that they'd be found here and forced to flee. All he wanted was to stay here with Paisley and his brother.

"I'll try not to," he told her, stroking her shoulder gently.

Paisley snuggled into his side, resting her head on his chest. She listened to his breathing as his chest rose and fell. She felt so happy and peaceful just laying here with him, and it was so nice to know that he was just as happy to be there.

The two laid there for a long time, watching the stars, just glad to be in each other's company.